And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.