*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
fly smarter, not harder
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.