employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA