I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Never ghost your hitman.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?