*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
did it work
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.