“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Great game to play with friends
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard