I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Guys, I found it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before