As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]