Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.