The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.