When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You Might Also Like
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
one last job
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I occasionally drink every single night.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.