Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask