They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
You Might Also Like
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”