I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.