Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?