Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
🤣🤣💀
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX