“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.