Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.