Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
You Might Also Like
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
So the ex texted me
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either