movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
mmm onion ringos
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Worst perfume name ever.