For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.