Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
work smarter, not harder
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…