DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Why is this me 😫
🤣🤣💀
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows