me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.