Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.