I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.