My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
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The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]