My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You Might Also Like
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.