At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”