No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad