boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time