It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”