I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers