too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
very niche meme I made
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend