Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
who wants to go expliring
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that