Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
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[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
This will never not be funny to me.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Lmbo
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees