Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I can also cook 😂
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Finally, an explanation.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The Birdles
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment