“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
that lip filler tho
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.