POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You Might Also Like
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
me logging onto twitter
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats