In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices