I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
🤣🤣🤣
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them