What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
This is my favorite one of these!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.