And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*gets down on one knee*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper