In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Hmmmmm
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.