Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
do horses think humans are hats
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
this has to be peak English
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you