DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
the last thing a carrot sees
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Yes