Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.