Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Any refunds available?…
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.