5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
😩😩😩
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.