I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I need a headline like this
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
we’re dead?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.